tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
