im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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