Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
