none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
