i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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