you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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