9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
