12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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