I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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