I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
