No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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