Will you blow on my dice?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
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His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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