he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
