my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
