i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
