i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
