the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
