omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.