I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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