So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
