I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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