Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
