My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
