I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Bring me that man meat
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
