Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sarcasm needs its own font
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
