2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize