Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
time to smoke my breakfast
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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