If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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