Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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