Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
