I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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