My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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