Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
