good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
