Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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