She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
