were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
