Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
