tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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