you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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