I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
