Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
