I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
