I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
