She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
