I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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