On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Randomize
