Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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