Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I supernannyed him into submission
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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