I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
