if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
