You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
