I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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