I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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