My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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