I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
