I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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