I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
