omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
